Round Here We Say Birds, Not Bitches....

Birds, eh? Pain the arse. Stop you from snowboarding when you want. Always moaning. When they’re not moaning, it’s only because they’re not speaking to you for reasons unbeknown to you. But worst of all, birds can’t snowboard. Every bloke who rides knows the female of the species is weaker than the male. They can’t ride at all, and should stick to looking pretty off-piste.

Well, actually, no. Baws to that, and here’s why.

Sometimes it seems that snowboarding is chauvinist and anti-women by definition. Despite our self-imposed status as a bit rebellious (oh he stills wears skate trainers even though he’s in his late twenties!), we can’t seem to shake off some of our worst prejudices. Shamefully, the one most truly ingrained in our sports-psyche is that women are crap compared to men

Girls out there are totally ripping it up, and in some cases doing even better than the men.

The first snowboard DVD I ever saw was Mack Dawg’s Amp. I watched it so many times that my mum probably thought I was going to turn into an Amp. Back then, and even when I watch it now, one section I really love features a woman called Tara Dakides. Tara rides like an absolute girl possessed. She has no fear whatsoever, laying down huge rodeos in the park and being totally comfortable on massive rails with big consequences. So I was probably conditioned early on in my snowboard development to look at girl riding favourably.

There's a production company called Chunkyknit’s, and their first film, Dropstitch, featured only girls. It's a movie I actually now really enjoy watching. The team behind Chunkyknit recognised that the whole set-up in snowboarding (filming, photos, sponsorship) is set up for men. Girls get token parts in films, usually made up of clips shot when the male riders were off doing a jobby. Not really a great set up for women, being told to ride the same jumps and kickers as the men, and basically being told ‘get on with it’.

"Frank Skinner... Mike Skinner... they’re both wankers anyway"

Women can’t run as fast or jump as high as men, so maybe they can’t hit jumps that are as big or rails that are as heavy as the men. It’s possible. Does that mean they suck and should be mocked? ‘course not. But it’s happening. Women are being treated like shit in the snowboard world and beyond. It’s criminal that for a girl-specific movie to be filmed, the whole production had to be female driven. There’s an amazing PhD thesis in there for someone (a girl?) who wants it. The bottom line is that snowboarding operates a form of apartheid. It’s apparent in the language many ‘riders and the followers of ‘yoof culture’ use every day.

Have you ever seen ‘Pimp My Ride’? It’s an American TV show in which cars are souped-up to look crazy, with big wheels, a stupid stereo and all that crap nobody in their right mind would actually pay for (except maybe Lee and Bogie – check their photos in the gallery). Now, I’m not a tree hugging feminist hippy, but I reckon all this ‘pimping’ stuff has gone too far in today’s culture, and snowboarding has not been immune to the curse.

My good, good friend was recently in my car (a Corsa with, wait for it, a tape deck!) listening to The Streets’ song 'Let’s Push Things Forward'. He then told me “That Frank Skinner is a wanker”. To which I replied, “aye, but that’s Mike Skinner singing”. His retort: “aye, they’re both wankers anyway”. Now, I quite like Mike Skinner because he wrote what i reckon is the most honest line to grace the charts in years, which is ...

Round here we say birds, not bitches

There’s a lot of truth in that statement. What’s the deal with calling women bitches? Women are crap so they are compared to dogs? Well, that’s bollocks for a start. Would it be cool to call all black people niggers? No, ‘course not. And what’s the craic with calling blokes bitches too? If a rider tries a 3, doesn’t land it he gets branded a bitch, or a pussy. Neither term is particularly flattering to the female snowboarding contingent.

But let’s revisit the pimpin’ thing. The first point I’m gonna make is this: prostitution is a fucking miserable game, and anyone who glamourises it needs to stop snowboarding, take a reality check and live in the real world for a bit. A world where people (particularly women) are bought and sold (particularly by men). Where mums sell their bodies to try and get their kids through school. Where drugs turn ordinary people into desperate skeletons who would do anything (literally) to pay for their next hit. Where women are killed by perverts who pay for sex. Big pimpin’? No thanks man. I’ve got a conscience. A moral compass. Some humanity.

So let me ask you this, is using the phrase “Pimp’s Don’t Pay Taxes” acceptable as the tagline for a major Scottish snowboarding brand? I’d say no chance. Let’s break that phrase down, and ask why you would wear that slogan? Well it’s either,

a - You think being a pimp is cool, or

b - You think not paying taxes is cool.

As ideological positions, neither of these have really been subject to a lot of critical thought. So you don’t want to pay taxes? Cool, fuck off to some other country then, preferably some tax haven where you have to get your ‘boarding injuries sorted at a private clinic that charges a fortune (long live the NHS!). Or you think being a pimp is cool? Well, it’s not like the 1970s, with feathers in your hat and a leather trench coat. It’s real life. I don’t really want the young boarders to grow up in a climate that thinks its cool not only to treat women like objects, but also to legitimise the idea of sex as a commodity from which to make money. That’s pretty repulsive.

The other slogan of this brand – and it’s probably worth saying that this is a major underground brand in the Scottish snowboard scene – is “Support Your Local Hooker”. I don’t think they mean raising funds for local drug rehabilitation centres that deal with women in the sex-trade. It’s a pretty sick statement (and that’s sick as in horribly twisted and morally repugnant, not sick as in ‘totally rad, dude’).

I guess that this whole attitude stems from snowboarding’s tenuous relationship with hip hop culture. Hip hop has come a long way since it was pioneered in the late 70s and early 80s. In many ways it has been the one voice of a disenfranchised black American youth coming to terms with their legal status as full US citizens, but still facing economic, social and political discrimination in their daily lives. Hip hop was a cultural movement, a social force and a musical revolution. So it’s a shame that it’s now so anti-women.

"Hip-hop’s influence and degrading slogans are only indicative of a wider malaise in snowboarding"

More concerning for us is the lame ‘white-snowboarder boy’ embrace of hip hop culture. Doo rags and bitches. Baws. Snowboarding should bother to find it’s own identity. Middle class white boys, most of whom can’t even spell ghetto never mind live in one, should wisen up and do something original. Stealing black culture is nothing new (from Elvis to Eminem), but we’re in a good position to escape all that nonsense. You’re never going to shoot anyone at Nevis. You can’t breakdance at the top of Cairngorm. And if you even think about spray-painting Glencoe, you should be locked up for ages and of your status as a Scot should be revoked because your ignorance knows no bounds.

Hip-hop’s influence and degrading slogans are only indicative of a wider malaise in snowboarding. Women are seen as second-class citizens. Why? Because the female pros aren’t as good as the men? Well, they’re still miles better than you or I, and they have every right to ride as they please in spite of your perceptions of their ability. Snowboarders should be judged on attitude and progression, and they definitely shouldn’t be judged on gender alone. Diversity should be encouraged in snowboarding. I’d like to see some people from ethnic minority backgrounds (other than white folk) on the slopes. It might stop a lot of the paki / chinky banter that pervades our language in the west of Scotland, and it has to be said on the slopes sometimes. Prejudice is the last refuge of the coward. Snowboarding is about progression, in both tricks and attitudes.

The same brand I’ve been talking about also have a t-shirt with slogan ‘only the people can revolutionise’ on it. I agree. But the greatest revolutions happen in minds of the people at the grass-roots. George Orwell thought that hope lay in the proletariat. I'm not so sure. But i still have hope that snowboarding can be a positive influence on kids today, if we wisen up and treat people with the respect they desevre.